If You Have A Plan, You Don't Get Eaten!

(via tublickpastry)

Shut Up Gibbons! Let a man CRAP!

2 papers, 3 grams, a SPOONFULL of keefe, rolled in one straight shot.

Wha da you know bout dat???

why am I so ugly?

tokyomcdrift:

Mary was sitting in her room, video-chatting with some cool cats she knows on the Internets. It was raining outside and she was stuck in Bryn Mawr. 

“It feels like I’ve been here for a million and five hours!” she told those cool cats. 
The cool cats nodded in unison. 

There was a knocking at Mary’s door, suddenly. 
“Who’s there?” she asked, warily.

“‘Ello, luv. I’ve come to get you out of this shit’ole.” came an all too familiar voice from the other side of the door.

“Billy?!” cried Mary, rushing to the door and throwing it open. But no! Mary had been tricked! It was a flaming tumbleweed covered in straight razors using a voice changing device to make it sound like Billy Idol! The tumbleweed wedged his straight razor hand through the door, preventing her from shutting it. The flaming tumbleweed let out an ululating noise to call upon it’s tumbling bretheren, and they poured in through the windows, doors and Mary’s morose fridge. 

(Unbeknownst to Mary, her fridge had made an alliance with the tumbleweed king once Mary had refused to comfort her sighing morose fridge.)

“Billy! Steve! Paul Simonon! Save me!” she cired, as the tumbleweeds overpowered Mary’s salsa-strong legs and carried her away to the Ukrainian palace of the Tumbleweed King.

“You have refused my son.” said the Tumbleweed king.
“He tried to stab me with a samurai sword! He kept me locked in a salty basement!” shouted Mary.
“…Good point. But still! No mere mortal denies the Tumbleweed king!” cried He, and commanded his guards to lock Mary in the highest room of the tallest tower until the tumbleweed wives had made a beautiful wedding dress for her betrothal to the Tumbleweed Prince. 

Mary sat locked in the tower, nibbling crusty sandwiches of french baguettes and liverwurst, with a distinctly odd creme filling. But there was nothing else to eat, and Mary was starving. 
“I have to get out of here!” Mary thought, “I can’t marry a tumbleweed! And get fucked by it’s thorny tumbling penis! Eww!” 

And so Mary tried to devise ways to escape. She thought she could perhaps tie all her bed sheets together and make a rope ladder to climb down… but the sheets didn’t reach nearly long enough to let her drop safely down! Then she tried salsa-ing as hard as she could, to some how shake the tower down. The tower rocked and shook, and Mary got some bitchiningly toned legs, but she still could not break free of her prison. She even plugged in her iPod and blasted Billy Idol to try and rock the tower to the ground, but even the power and seduction of Billy’s Rock did not cause the tower to buckle. Mary’s legs were a different story.

Finally, the day came where the Tumbleweed Wives finished Mary’s wedding dress and Mary was sent for from her tower. They dressed Mary, and she had to admit she looked fucking ace in this dress, but she still didn’t want to marry a tumbleweed, prince or no. 

Mary was led into the throne room where the wedding was to be held. Suddenly, she heard a sultry voice from her dreams…
“Hey little sister, who is it you’re with?”
Mary looked around but couldn’t see where the voice was coming from.
“Hey little sister, what’s your vice or wish?”

“Billy?! Where’s that coming from?!” cried Mary.

The Tumbleweed king took Mary’s arm and began to walk her down the aisle. She tried to push away and run, but there were guards at her back, sticking her with pointy things. 

Mary was hurriedly looking around, trying to see a friendly eye in the audience… and there they were! The cool cats from the Internet! They were hiding in the audience! 
“HELP ME!” Mary mouthed at them, and they nodded. 

As Mary was placed on the dias across from the tumbleweed prince, the priest began his diatribe:

“Do you, Salty Seraphim, take Mary Tokyo McDrift Sydnor as your bride?” 
“Surely.” said the flaming Prince.
“Do you, Mary, take Salty as your husband?” 
“Never!” cried Mary.

“Excellent!” cried the priest, ripping off his mask! Billy Idol was in disguise!

Suddenly, the group of cool cats started tossing water balloons, extinguishing the flaming tumbleweeds, thusly killing them. Billy scooped Mary up in his arms and kissed her hard. There was a ruckus at the doors, and Paul Simonon burst through, riding Steve Stephens! They both grabbed water guns from the cool cats and started in on the tumbleweed massacre. Billy and Mary fought their way to the exit and hopped into Billy’s flying sampan. The cool cats and Paul and Steve quickly followed them, and they rode off into the sunset.

Billy and Mary got married in Vegas later that night, with Paul, Steve, and the cool cats as witnesses. Then they all went to P.F. Chang’s for the reception and then Billy and Mary retired for crazy honeymoon sex in the room with the coolest view in all Vegas.

The “Bitchingly toned legs” part was my favoriite!